Day 8 of 10 Days of Great Women

Yesterday got me thinking about listening. First there was the bit from my post about how much I value a doctor who listens to me. Then in a meeting at work, we were talking about the tendency of people to put a hand in front of their mouth while eating. In examining why young people do this we came up with a few things:

1. This may be nervousness at being in a different social situation while eating and an attempt to be polite.
2. We all do this when we're too excited to wait and start talking while eating in a restaurant.

This led me to think how I behave differently at a networking lunch vs. one with friends. I listen better at a networking lunch. I'm so excited to see my friends and family, that when we eat together, I am more likely to interrupt and have partial conversations.

But maybe I shouldn't do that. Because listening is so, so valuable. And I listen better at a networking lunch than with my most cherished people. That thought gives me pause.

I think of times when I've really listened to people, where instead of trying to impart something to them, I've sat back and tried to ask questions and make comments that spur them to continue talking. I think of how I gain from those experiences of not just remaining politely quiet for the other person's turn, but not having anything I myself want to say, so that I can just listen.

Then I think of the people who have done that for me. And these people hold a special place in my heart. At times they have been the unlikely relationships but the other person's timing and listening skills have let me get close to them.

I make friends frequently and quickly, but rarely do I get close to people. I'm excellent and shooting the shit and keeping things on a level where I've only shared things I would with most anyone. I'm not great at the deeper relationships anymore. It's something I lack in my life which has had an insular focus on my husband and kids these last years. And that's what happens when kids are little. But as my kids are getting older and more independent, I can see a hole opening up. A space where I need friends in my life.

So today, Day 8 of 10 Days of Great Women is for you, The Listeners.

The Listeners have found their way into me when I didn't have that hole open. They have been the improbable friendships and I'm so grateful to them.

I think of the running partner I had back in college in St. Louis. She was in her forties when I was in my twenties but she took a lot of time on runs to listen to me and provide direct and valuable feedback. She didn't dismiss my concerns or my problems but really listened. Plus she kicked my ass at running.

I think of the woman I work with who I was so afraid would be too socially conservative to like me but now is my greatest ally. She aslo showed me my own bias there as she's not at all socially conservative in the way that I assumed her to be. She was the first person I saw on my son's first day of Kindergarten and I cried and told her all about it even though I didn't yet know her well. She is a master of listening and this is what makes her great at helping students and what makes her a great friend.

I think of my mother-in-law who is particularly gifted at listening to you without making you feel judged. I've talked to her about big world issues and concerns about my own parenting as well as jokes. She listens to children which is also a special listening skill that I greatly value and respect. If you want to grow a plant, give it sun and water, if you want to grow a great human, give it love and your attention. Listeners like my MIL do this.

I think of my midwife. She was a great listener. I thank her for all the space and time she allowed us to talk and share that experience with her.

I think of my friend and doula who has shown up time and again to help me with my kids, and who has listened to the small daily trials of my life. I miss seeing her all the time and I'm so grateful for the years that we spent where we saw each other regularly.

Thank you, Listeners. Your ears create time and space for those of us who run HIGH energy to slow down and breathe and let out our stories, share our fears, and release our stresses. Today is for you and all the progress the space you create brings forth.

Day 7 of 10 Days of Great Women

In the final days leading up to the Women's Marches across the nation, I'll be highlighting the GREAT Americans I know who have fought for our progress as a nation. I'll specifically be looking toward the women in my life that have impacted my ability to see progress, women who have inspired me, women who have pushed me to be better.

When I was a kid, I remember going to the doctor and I remember that was a "man's" job. As I was growing up, stereotypes were being broken left and right. I was regularly told that I could be anything that I wanted to be and I absolutely believed that. My parents put forth great effort to make sure I knew I was smart so I knew one day I could grow up to be a woman and a doctor.

But knowing something is possible isn't the same as seeing that it's the norm.

English has a pronoun problem that I learned about from listening to people refer to professions. They used to all be referred to as "he." Here's what I mean. If you have to replace post master with a pronoun, you have to choose he or she; the silly grammarians still haven't yet accepted "they" and they definitely hadn't accepted it when I was growing up. "He" was what was typically used. Here's an example.

"I'd like to speak with the post master. When will he be in?"

Really the post master might be a woman, no? But we default to "he."

In certain fields we're far more likely to default to "he" than "she."

Doctors are one of those fields. My pediatrician was a man. The doctor who saw me when I fractured my skull was a man. The hearing specialist I saw about my lost hearing from my skull fracture was a man. But then, one day I got a PA when I got my period and she was a woman. And suddenly I could talk to her. She felt relatable in a new way to me.

When I moved to the mountains I saw female doctors everywhere. My family doc is a woman, the pediatric dermatologist is a woman, the ER doc I met the other day is a woman, and on and on.

So today is for the Doctors. For me, the fact that you're female matters. I respect the work you did and the sacrifices you made to become doctors differently than I do men. For the men that sort of sacrifice was assumed. For you, it was bigger, less supported, less seen as you grew up and looked at the role models around you. And because of you, little girls growing up will see it differently.

Women doctors feel easier to talk to. I feel more comfortable and imagine them understanding my feelings and circumstances differently. I believe they listen better to me and take my concerns to heart. Whether these are real or perceived doesn't so much matter. My gratitude for and trust in them is what matters.





So today, Day 7 of 10 Days of Great Women is for you, Doctors. Thank you for your sacrifices. Thank you for your intelligence and your years of hard study. Thank you for listening and for healing us when we are sick. And thank you for changing the assumed pronoun of "he" to "they." Take that, grammarians!

Day 6 of 10 Days of Great Women

In the final days leading up to the Women's Marches across the nation, I'll be highlighting the GREAT Americans I know who have fought for our progress as a nation. I'll specifically be looking toward the women in my life that have impacted my ability to see progress, women who have inspired me, women who have pushed me to be better.

My aunt Carole was the woman I wanted most to be like when I grew up. I wanted to be like her because she was infamous for being the smartest woman many people knew. I love smart women and I wanted to be like her. She read voraciously and people said that was some of how she knew so much. So I've read voraciously. She taught me to play cards and that taught me teamwork and strategy. I loved being her partner, largely because we always won but also because she knew just exactly what you should do in each situation and taught it to me.

She was a lawyer and she used that big brain of hers to do a lot in the world. She never backed down from an argument if she knew she was right which was most of the time. She was always right. I saw that as such a desirable attribute because she backed her arguments with lengthy examples of her knowledge. Her arguments were based in fact. Her positions were based in compassion. But she was unrelenting.

I have many women lawyer friends in my life and I like to have arguments and discussions with them. They tend to come with facts and information and do not typically back down easily. They WILL change their minds with a discussion. I tend to be a driven by information and logic and so I appreciate people who are this way and who do not take it personally if I disagree with them.

To understand an issue, I need to argue it, to examine multiple angles. I will often take a side in a discussion just to see how it holds up against another person's thoughts or opinions. Some people take that as a personal attack, but rarely lawyers.

I have an intense need for fairness. Lawyers seem to understand this and remain even as I get more heated in my pursuit of equity. I appreciate that.

So today, Day 6, is for the Lawyers in my life.

For my friend who out of college worked for the Attorney Generals office and has written law book chapters and taught law school and hopefully will one day be a judge.

For my friend who has fought for asylum seekers and heard in deep detail the horrid stories that have sent us the weak and the weary to this great country.

And most of all, for my late aunt who shaped my life in such major ways. She had to overcome gender stereotypes and work most of her career with men who she had to reprove and reprove her worth and knowledge to. She was so incredible and paved the way through the boy's club for all of us.

Today is for you, Lawyers.

Thank you for arguing with me, for following up your arguments with facts, for responding point-by-point instead of sidelining a discussion for a piece of random information that is unrelated to the point at hand. For legislating and shaping the law of our communities, for defending those who need it and prosecuting those who need it. I love to think and fight through ideas with you, whether I agree with you or not. I learn my way through it because of this type of discourse.

Day 5 of 10 Days of Great Women

In the final days leading up to the Women's Marches across the nation, I'll be highlighting the GREAT Americans I know who have fought for our progress as a nation. I'll specifically be looking toward the women in my life that have impacted my ability to see progress, women who have inspired me, women who have pushed me to be better.

Day 5 is for a very special kind of woman, the kind of woman who had to get her outsides fixed to match her insides. The kind of woman who many Native American tribes have many names and more reverence for: a woman who was born A Man, or a 2-spirit.

When I was about 24 years old, I met this man at work who was to train me in what happened in the residences where the kids I taught lived. The kids I taught had significant problems. Many of them no longer had parents. This man was phenomenal with kids and he worked well with his colleagues. He had a smile that spread pure joy through me, kind brown eyes, and long brown hair. He threw the football with the boys and warned me of the ways that this particular kind of kid could manipulate but did so with compassion. I liked him.

We went out one night together to a party and I realized that I really liked him. We were hitting it off really well when he stopped me and told me he had something important to tell me.

He was transitioning and becoming a woman. At the time, I didn't really care. I had some really silly ideas about it, like that it didn't matter because at that point he still had the equipment that I prefer. I didn't realize how uncomfortable it would be for him to be attracted to me with that part of his body. I certainly didn't realize the repercussions of dating someone in the midst of such a change.

I did not break it off but it didn't last. He couldn't handle it. And while I thought I could at the time, I probably realistically couldn't have. He was about to be she and that was far more important than some fleeting romance. If I'm really honest about it, I was pretty hurt. I really liked this person and I liked her for who she was. I was willing to try to manage that sort of change.

But the timing wasn't right and now I'm glad. I'm married to the man I'm supposed to be married to and we have 2 beautiful children. Nikki is fine, I imagine, I hope. And she changed the way I see transgendered people.

It often seems to take a personal knowledge of another's experience to really see things. For me, it took finding out my dad was gay to get over my own adolescent homophobia and become who I am today. And meeting Nikki further opened my mind.

I recently learned that a guy I went to high school has transitioned to be a woman. I know it's a source of joking among many of my former classmates. But all I can think is, what courage it takes to become who you are.

For most of us, the courage to pursue our professional dreams is too much and we toil away at a job instead. I can only imagine the stakes then when it's actually WHO you are and not just the profession you wish to pursue.

Transgender people know what gender they are from toddlerhood. They try to tell their parents about the confusion but the parents rarely understand, rarely listen and honor what their child is telling them. It's confusing out of such young mouths.

 

If you're looking for a book to help you understand, read Raising Ryland by Hillary Wittington. It does a great job showing you how to treat a person who is 2-Spirited. The answer? Like a person. A whole, complex person.

Isn't that what we all want as women?










So today, Day 5 of 10 Days of Great Women is for you, 2-Spirited Women. You helped me understand another path to the female experience and instilled a new level of compassion in me. Certainly that's the stuff of Great Americans.

Day 4 of 10 Days of Great Women

In the final days leading up to the Women's Marches across the nation, I'll be highlighting the GREAT Americans I know who have fought for our progress as a nation. I'll specifically be looking toward the women in my life that have impacted my ability to see progress, women who have inspired me, women who have pushed me to be better.

I know I need to do this and that we all need this march because when I searched for an image for this post, all the images of "Triumphant Women" were in bras. What on earth? That's what you think, google? We have work to do.

Today is Day 4 of 10 Days of Great Women and it is dedicated to those who have triumphed over great challenges in their early lives.

I have worked with a lot of children who faced adversity. I spent several years working with abused children both teaching and working as a caseworker for Social Services. Along with my colleagues, we put our hearts and souls into the hopes of children finding their path to success despite the adversity they'd faced.

Sadly, many, many of the kids I worked with are in jail today.

Since I've worked with these kids, I've spent a lot of time thinking about those who thrive despite great obstacles in their early lives. It's hard to put your heart and hope out as a line to children, desperately hoping that they'll grab tight with both hands promising that you'll pull them in but worrying, it's hard to do that, unless you can think of some you have seen "make it."

I know many such women and today is for them.

I think of the woman I know who had a meth lab blow up in her house and still no one thought to talk to her as a child about this. I was once at a rest stop with her as she explained she used to live there. "Where?" I asked. She had lived at the rest stop when her family was homeless. She'd been abused and sometimes stole glassware from a local college to sell to those who cooked meth at her house so she could use the money to go buy food. She is a successful, well-adjusted professional woman today and a fantastic mother.

I think of the woman I know who had both parents with serious addiction problems and despite that, has spent her life helping others and fostering love and belonging for animals, children, strangers, stragglers. She's the sort who gives away groceries to strangers who she can see needs it. She'll show up to help a stranger from the internet by bringing them diapers.

I think of the woman I know who left her problem-ridden home to raise herself starting in middle school, who managed to rent a storage space and live in it until she graduated from high school. She works hard for her community and is always the first to say yes and help in a crisis. She's the one I can call and I always know she'll help; I can tell her anything no matter how long since we last talked.

I think of the woman I know who has been in dangerously violent relationships twice and has managed to get out, risking everything to move on and smile wide, laugh full-throated. She saved her children and got her degree. I think of how hard she had to work to raise her kids and to get her degree and how hard she continues to work, hoping to help incarcerated youth one day.

When I think of these women, I think,

"There is so much hope."

There is hope in the world and I know it because I've seen them make it happen. There is a chance for every child, for every person, no matter how hard their circumstances today. I think of how they have managed to raised well-bonded children, in loving homes. I think of the sense of love and belonging I feel when I'm near them. And these are among the things that make them great.

So today is for you, The Overcomers, The Triumphants! May you know your worth and continue to generously share it with those of us who need to see how women can thrive, no matter where they started.

Giveaway: 5 Funny Books and a Silly Swag Pack

Click here for a chance to enter to win all this. No purchase necessary. Just enter your email address to enter!

Day 3, 10 Days of Great Women

In the final days leading up to the Women's Marches across the nation, I'll be highlighting the GREAT Americans I know who have fought for our progress as a nation. I'll specifically be looking toward the women in my life that have impacted my ability to see progress, women who have inspired me, women who have pushed me to be better.

Today is Day 3 and it is for the Women Scientists in my life.

STEM (Science Technology Engineering and Math) are largely thought to be male-dominated fields. And clearly there's a lot of data to support that. But in 110 years of Nobel Prize history, 40 women have gotten the prize. the first of which was Marie Curie who won for BOTH Physics and Chemistry.

So if the numbers are heavily male in the field, and yet so many prizes have been awarded to women it makes you wonder if that might not be a reflection of some feature of these specific women? Is that they were better able to communicate their findings and theories? Were they better at working on teams and advancing the ideas overall?

I'm no historian, and especially not in this area, but I'll tell you that I know and admire many female scientists and the ones I know are great at communicating the information they've gathered. They're experts at teacher others this information. And they're spectacularly skilled at working on teams to focus on and advance ideas.

So today is for the Scientists.

I spy on your ideas and love this. I do this in part because the areas where I was naturally talented were in math and science but I never pursued them. I like hearing what's going on in your fields.

My mother is a veterinarian. She let us dissect things my brother found dead on his paper route in our backyard. She guided us through and attended my school to help with frog dissection and still takes my call or text to quickly give me answers to many anatomical questions I have. She taught me that the body is nothing to fear, but is instead, a fascination.

I have a number of friends and family members who are scientists as well. There's Kelley who has worked on research regarding the protocols for blood used in transfusions as well as Alzheimer's research. Who wouldn't admire a woman who finished her advanced degree with her children alongside her and has gone on to do such amazing work. That's what my mom did but dang, if that's not a tall order.

I also enjoy long substantive conversations with Dr. Anna Prescott who has her PhD from Dartmouth and will take the extensive time it takes to explain all the elements of psychology research. It's complex and fascinating to learn about how conclusions are arrived at and which types of research are being worked on. I could talk to her forever.

I feel similarly about talking with my friend Dr. Terri Niehoff Holzen and Dr. Kristina Prescott. They have both studied evolutionary biology and taught for years. They also happen to have similarly elastic and hilarious facial expressions which makes it way better to hear about research that's a bit hard to follow. And try camping or adventuring outside with moms who double as biologists! They'll talk at length with you about bugs and handle and photograph them with your kids as well as make up a story to go along with it.

Today, Day 3, is dedicated to you, Scientists. I consider you great women for chasing your own curiosity and for the grit to stick with long and challenging degree paths as well as rewarding the curiosity of others with published papers and shared ideas and findings. To ideas!