A Convicted Rapist and his dad seem to think they know what we need to learn about drinking. They are wrong. They need to learn about rape.
So here are 16 lessons you may need to learn about drinking, and 1 thing they should learn:
1. Don't pee on a fire hydrant.
2. Don't mix cool aid, Jack Daniels, and E. I have learned this by the smell of Red Rocks on a cool summer evening and did not appreciate it much. But I can understand it. Don't do it.
3. Hangovers are terrible. You may learn this lesson multiple times in your life.
4. Heels suck. You may decide they suck and leave them behind. Your feet may get very, very dirty and even cut up. No one wants you to sleep on their couch when your feet are this dirty.
5. Falling off of a bike while drinking hurts. It might seem like a better choice than walking but.... well, I'll let you decide this lesson. In my case, it involved some lost skin on my hands and was quite painful.
6. If you dress up like a dog and ask someone to fetch you a beer on Halloween, you won't have to get your own beer. This might also be true other days of the year.
7. Spraying pledge all over your hardwood floors will be funny for longer than you think.
8. Don't get McDonald's, even if they're still open. And really, really don't go to Courtesy Diner in St. Louis. "I can hear your cheese coagulating" is an actual pickup line I was told there and that was my cue to go home.
9. Especially don't pee in McDonald's drive through. Seriously, what is wrong with you?
10. You can't sing.
11. You CAN sing! At the top of your lungs with all your friends in the car in the drivethru. Best thing ever. Also, parodies. They're hilarious. Also, Irish drinking songs. I don't know any but if we've been drinking, you can teach them to me and then I'll learn a new lesson that I'll promptly forget when I'm wondering what happened.
12. You can't juggle.
13. You CAN juggle. You run a juggling school and you're name is Penelope.
14. No one is looking at the floor in the bar. You can sit under the bar and tie someone's shoes to a bar stool.
15. But, Don't sit on the floor of the bar. It's icky. Did you not see your feet after #4?
16. Don't pull on your new friend's barstool, accidentally pull too hard and pull it out from under him. This may be when you learn that your new friend has a prosthetic leg after he falls to the floor and lifts up his pant leg.
17. Don't rape anyone.
Wait, scratch that last one. That's something I never once had to learn about drinking. I'm thinking... wait... nope. Never.
I have climbed trees, peed on a fire hydrant, pledged the floors of my apartment, lost my shoes, pulled the chair out from under a guy with a prosthetic leg, eaten poprocks with soda, gotten pulled over on my bike by the police, tied someone's shoes to their barstool, pretended I was British and a professional juggler, but I have NEVER once, oops, fucked up and gotten drunk and raped another person. Never. It's not a lesson you learn in college. It's not a lesson about drinking. And victims don't need to learn it.
